I went for a quick run this morning. It was on my training schedule and I wanted to get out in to the fresh air of a new day anyway.
I left my phone at home and just ran. No music, no podcasts, just my thoughts.
I looked around at the beauty of the colors changing on the trees.
And I thought about change in general.
I danced thoughts around in my head as my feet pushed forward. I ran fast. My breath was shallow and my body felt the pace I'd set.
I wanted to feel strong. To feel in control. To feel confident and free.
But I didn't.
I wanted the trees to be a sign of the beauty and grace in change even when it may leave you bare, vulnerable and cold.
I wanted that meme I'd seen thrown around that says something like, "The trees are about to show you the beauty of letting go." to be true. But I don't think letting go is the answer.
I wanted to find inspiration in the Fall colors. In the ebb and flow of nature. I wanted there to be an answer. Order.
Right now there isn't.
So how do I move forward? How do I leave behind fear and confusion and anger and hurt and sadness?
I find most of my thoughts today are about trying to convince myself that "All will be okay."
How do I move through this grief and find acceptance?
Because in that acceptance will come the strength I need to parent through these 4 years.
To fight through these 4 years. I have the privilege to give up, to let go and just let it be. And I don't want to use that privilege at all. Silence is the most detrimental path.
I want and need to focus on the fight ahead.
To elevate and show the importance of my voice.
My voice who is a Mother, a Daughter, a Wife, a friend, an ally, an activist.
My voice that talks of equality, social justice and partnership.
My voice that fights against sexism, racism, xenophobia and fear mongering.
My voice that speaks to build a future for my children.