Maybe it is the time of year, the seasons are changing again, holiday season is upon us.
Lately, I've been sad.
When death stood tall in my life as a young adult I had a wake up call of sorts. I was forced to face the reality that the only truth about life is death. We all die. It helped. It helped me embrace and be more open to this truth. I didn't run away from death. I looked at it head on, I sat with my Father's lifeless body and saw the truth.
It doesn't mean I'm not sad when people die. In fact many devastating deaths have happened around me since then.
Young women taken way too soon from cancer. Young children tragically lost in accidents.
Even older men and women in my life who had more time, more to do and see and experience.
The good ones. Gone.
Maybe it is the state of our world. Maybe it is all of these things combined.
I feel the grief in a different way. It is more consuming. I'm anxious more often. My Mom's blog makes me cry, no one writes so openly and rawly about loss and life as she does.
And then I'm with my family. My gorgeous, happy, healthy, wonderful family. My children full of everything running around me, my husband full of love for all of us and ideas and energy and passion connecting with me. And for moments I can balance it. But it is still present.
And then I'm in my job. In my critical role, delivering on a huge overall corporate goal and in many ways nailing it, I have to be heads up. I'm having an impact across my organization and pushing and challenging myself to continue to grow and deliver and engage fully. And I'm energized, but then distracted and anxious and sad in the down moments.
So, how do I balance it? How do I feel the sadness, the grief, the crushing reality of death and the world we live in while being fully present and open and embracing of this wonderful life I have.
No, really, how?
Half Marathon training has come at a convenient time. I have to run and run far, and that helps.
But I find myself letting go of the pieces of balance I usually rely on. The tasks and activities I can often do to balance myself in times of stress or worry.
My house is untidy and disorganized.
My garden is a mess and needs to be cleaned.
My summer porch needs to be shut down and plants brought in and repotted to thrive indoors in Winter.
These tasks that connect me with life, with living and being present are being ignored.
I haven't even come here to write, which is a processing task for me.
And in truth, there is no point to this other then to get it out. To release some of what I've been holding in.
To show you, who may be feeling the same way, that it is okay and normal. To show myself that I can find a balance, even if its a little unsteady.
I changed my phone lock screen recently. A stark white background with colored letters that say, "Let it Be." A chickadee sits atop the L and Ava likes to press the button and say, "Birdie!'
A daily reminder to not try and figure this out or solve for it. To let it be, to feel it, to allow it to flow through me and take each day as it comes.
That's how I'm balancing it.