Lately, life has felt somewhat out of rhythm.
I can't quite put my finger on it, which I guess is not too surprising.
Too much to do.
Too many swirling pieces to try and grab on to.
It is like my body, our bodies, don't quite want to settle in to the reality of this new year.
Boy, I could go deep in to all the reasons for that on various levels.
But I won't. Unless you want to, and if so, reach out, let's talk!
It has been manifesting itself in several ways.
Not exercising enough.
Not sleeping enough.
One of the most disruptive has been my toddler's sleep.
She has been harder to get settled and to sleep at night, unless she's completely exhausted, and that isn't a good state.
She wakes up at 4 desperate to nurse. But I don't want to nurse her at 4, because then 4 becomes 3 and 3 becomes 2, and then we're back to her nursing all night. Which I stopped right before the holidays so we all could get more sleep.
But back to our bed at 4am.
Ava is crying desperate for milk. I'm telling her no. She's screaming, "Not nice!". And Matt is tossing to the other side to try and not be woken up.
And then she settles, but is awake until 5am hits and she can ask for milk again and I will nurse her.
Our deal is "milk morning". And 5am is morning. And then from 5am to whenever it is time to wake up, she's nursing.
But, in that hour she's not back to sleep. She's sucking her thumb and twisting my hair in her fingers.
So neither of us our sleeping deeply from 4am on.
And 4am is a really early wake up time.
And it is creeping in to all aspects of our time. More than usual it is a constant stream of,
"No! Mama do it!"
Regardless of what the it is.
And it is exhausting.
I'm not looking for any strategies or solutions. I know these phases are just that, phases. I know that she is growing and learning and likely just needing me a little bit more right now.
And I'm trying to continue to focus my energy on the balance we should have, instead of focusing it on trying to solve something that doesn't really have a solution.
Which means it isn't Mama doing everything for her.
Sometimes Dada is going to put on her shoes.
Sometimes Dada is going to change her diaper.
Sometimes Dada is going to take her out of the car.
Sometimes Mama has to pee instead of pick you up right away.
Last night I was finishing cleaning up post dinner with Emilio, lucky kid gets to learn to load the dishwasher as opposed to washing the dishes, and Matt took Ava upstairs to get bath going.
For the first minute or so, she was crying for Mama. And then, of course, it got quiet. I walked upstairs to find them engaged and happily sitting on the toilet watching the bath fill.
It takes going through it once for that kind of confidence to build for both of us, and a special kind of guy to exercise the tools he knows he has to take his crying toddler away from what she wants and get her to laugh and engage with him. I'm glad I picked right.
I took in the moment, took a breath and was reminded that it is all a phase and we'll be back in to our rhythm soon.
And yes, they're joking about picking her nose. And I was making a pun up above.