This morning, in the cloudy light of the 6:00 hour, my son sat on my lap and told me he didn't want to move.
This morning, in the twilight of the in-between hour of night and day, my friend brought her deceased baby in to the world.
This morning, when I knew I had to keep going, I held my son for a little longer. I felt his breath against my body. I felt him now, as a child growing. I felt him then, as an infant attached to me.
This morning, my friend told me she didn't think she could keep going.
This morning I thought about Emilio years from now, and how he might not want to sit near me let alone on my lap, how he might not want to be held by me, or even let me hold his hand. And so I sat longer, being with him, being near him. Feeling his life that I created.
This morning, my friend held that sweet boy who will not be hers on Earth and said goodbye. She created him, and birthed him and said goodbye all at once. When she left the hospital, she didn't bring him home.
And normally, rarely any one would talk of it.
Normally, it would be the shushed conversation. It would be the hidden pain.
But normally. This happens. Loss happens. This kind of loss happens. More often than you realize.
It was not meant to be.
It was not for the best.
It is tragic.
It is devastating.
And saying that doesn't make it harder for her. She knows the pain she is feeling. She knows how hard this journey will be.
"I was supposed to hold a baby this summer." She told me.
So now, we will hold her instead.
And we will hold our children and be reminded of the truth of life.
That it is not infinite. That every lifetime has a beginning, and an end.
And that some lifetimes are too short. And we can talk about that without platitudes about why. There is no why. It just is. And it is one of the saddest kind of truths of life.
To every woman reading this who has experienced a loss like this, I see you, I see your strength, I see your being that is tied to one that is not with you on Earth, I see your beauty and ability to heal and love even more, I see you.
*image credit: http://www.gettyimages.com/search/2/film?artist=sundayhill&family=creative *