Last week one of my frequented bloggers, Ramshackle Glam (how could you not love that name) wrote something that struck a very strong cord.
Read it here: http://www.ramshackleglam.com/2016/08/18/sorry-what/
It was like I was reading something I could have written.
And suddenly it allowed me to tap in to some guilt and self-inflicted pressure I'd been carrying around.
I use the hashtag messy reality often on my instagram posts. And it is because that's my truth. My reality is kind of messy. And I have found ways to thrive in that.
Let me use this morning as an example.
Ava was up a lot last night. She was restless, I was trying to create some boundaries and space for myself. (aka I didn't want her nursing all night long, which is what it appeared she wanted to do). I told Emilio to go back to his own bed at 2 am. Then he came back just before 6 and that was enough to wake Ava up for the day.
So there I was, up 45 minutes before I had to be with a clingy, but awake toddler, both of us having not slept much.
So I wrapped her and finished the dishes from the night before, made myself a cup of coffee, walked the dog and took a video of her geeking out on a squirrel. Ava, not the Dog.
Then I restocked the fridge with seltzer (we go through a lot). Oh and I ate angel food cake that was sitting on the counter, cause you know I'd been up all night. Then it was time to actually get ready for the day.
So, thriving. Or maybe just making the best of it.
But, getting back to Jordan's post last week. I realized, I often feel less functional as a mother now than I did when Ava was an infant.
She's exploding in her growth and needs a lot. Attention, feedback, opportunities to learn and do, exposure. A lot. Emilio is an eager and emotionally maturing 5 year old. He needs a lot. Redirection, attention, feedback, reminders, opportunities to feel heard and important, space for just him. A lot.
So I spend most of my energy on parenting both of them.
And then I don't have energy to -
Put together our family photo yearbook for 2015.
Send my good friend a card to let her know I'm thinking of her.
Send a good family friend a condolence card.
Wish people a Happy Birthday on Facebook.
Text a friend to check in on her.
Reach out to my siblings to check in and converse.
Send a gift for my friend's new baby that was born in March.
I barely remember to pay our few remaining bills that require a check, envelope and stamp.
And this is the list of the simple things, there are plenty of big things I'm not getting to because I prioritize my energy on work, and my relationship with my husband and raising my children.
So basically, I feel sometimes, that I'm failing in other areas I used to be on top of. I was the thoughtful friend who had the card ready to go before the event. The friend who always knew what was going on with you and reached out to check in.
I was the organized and tidy person who spent time on creative endeavors and cleaning projects.
I had time, space, energy.
A lot of that seems gone now. Or not gone, but used in different ways. And it seems to have disappeared quickly in the last 8 months.
Most of the time, I embrace my messy reality and I go with it, because it is much easier to flow around the rocks than try to push them out of the way.
Then I read something like this post and I don't feel so alone, and I also feel more connected to my true feelings.
I feel guilty, disappointed, anxious. I wonder when it will change, if it will change. I wonder what I need to let go of and what I need to fight harder to gain better control of.
But, then I don't really have the space and energy to make any decisions or choices now, so I jump back in the river and flow.
Because part of embracing messy reality is allowing it to be your reality.